In Equilibrium

I'd give all wealth that years have piled,
The slow result of Life's decay,
To be once more a little child
For one bright summer day.
- Lewis Carroll, "Solitude"

Childhood is a strange country. It’s a place you come from or go to – at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It’s like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass stains where what you do instead of work is spin until you’re dizzy.
- Lyall Bush

There was a fantastic ad campaign run by Pepsi in which some people drinking Diet Pepsi are asked to relay anything else youthful they'd like to experience, and as rule the Diet Pepsi drinker would reply "Yeah, actually, I'd like .... back" and the commercial would show these adults participating in favourite moments of their youth - recess, sleepovers, tight jeans, leather biker jacket. 

Why is it that "youth" is a concept so foreign to us as adults, when everyone experienced it.  I, feeling as though I have passed successfully into adulthood, would give anything to have my childhood back.  Our generation has grown up too fast.  Having experienced world, and possibly life, changing events like the tragic events of 9/11 when we were still in elementary school, I feel as though we were forced to see the harsh reality of the world before we were really ready.  While our parents reminisce about their prime years in their twenties and all the great times they had, we are already reminiscing about lost times when we watched Disney movies and could eat candy without abandon.  Now at 21 (and some of my friends still at 20) we are having flashback nights where we eat our favourite foods from childhood, watch our favourite movies and listen to boy bands and the Spice Girls.  In most cases people would think we have our whole lives ahead of us, why are we looking back already, the best times are yet to come.  But we feel as though the best times have already passed.

As a university student I enjoy having my independence, however there are times when I wish I could turn the clock back.  I still feel like I'm too young to deal with the amount of responsibility that I have, and I long for a time when I was carefree.  8-years-old would be perfect - old enough to understand some of the things happening around me, and yet young enough to not have to care.  There could be a war that we, as a country, could be participating in, and I could realise that, but the more pressing issue is that I didn't get to finish my game of hide-and-seek before dinner.  I long for a time when I could do my homework like I was told, and then go out and swing my life away at the playground.  I wish I could play baseball and swim and not have to worry about the fact that I don't have a job, and my personal funds are running low, and somehow I have to make this money last until I can find a job (which is proving rather difficult). 

I also long for a time when drinking wasn't the basis of a social life.  Maybe I was born 40-years-old, because I don't like to go out and party twice a weekend, every weekend.  Why is it not okay that I like to stay in and read?  Sure I'll go out and party once in a while, if it's not every weekend then I'll have fun, but why does everyone feel like since we're old enough we should be spending all weekend every weekend drinking our faces off, listening to music that is too loud?  I realise that to our generation, especially of the university crowd, it is almost criminal to prefer sitting in a pub and talking over a few beers to dancing at a club every night drinking like a fish.  I just want to be a kid again, so that there are no expectations.  I was to be a kid so that it's okay that I like watching movies and reading.  I want to be a kid again because there is too much stress in university with finding a job, keeping up with my course load, and worrying about my future career.  I'd like to be in a Diet Pepsi commercial... "Is there anything else youthful you'd like to experience?" "Yeah, actually, I want to be able to just spin around on the playground until I feel sick.   Unfortunately, I have to stick to my Diet Pepsi."

I'm having quite a few problems with both of these topics lately.

Feminism first.
So I went to watch The House Bunny last night with a couple friends and enjoyed myself.  Today I went online to check some things out on imdb.com and and there was a topic on one of their message boards about how the movie was a step back from feminism.  That just made me angry.  Some people on the boards were sayin things like "did feminism even happen? after watching that movie it doesn't seem like it."  The movie is about a playboy bunny who becomes a house mother to a failing sorority of "losers."  She ends up taking them and giving them a makeover and making them popular so that boys will like them and they will get pledges and be able to kep their house and sorority.  Now on some level I kind of agree, that girls shouldn't have to make themselves into playboy bunnies to be able to get guys, but that argument only really applies if you haven't seen the movie.  First of all, it's a freakin movie, it's for entertainment.  Second of all, we all know that no matter what we think of feminism, college boys all just want a hot piece of ass.  The fact that they don't even look at a girl who isn't skinny and  perfect is reality!  Yes it's great to be whoever you want to be and nothing should make you change  but every girl wants to feel accepted and - feminism or not - to be accepted and to fit in, you pretty much need to fill the status quo.  Eventually the girls in the movie realize that they can be pretty and still be themselves, that is to say, they can be the best version of themselves - look their best, feel their best, and be who they are all at the same time.  While the playboy bunny helps the girls look their best for the boys (and get pledges) the girls help the bunny learn about herself and learn how to get a guy who wants an actual woman - a woman with brains and personality, not just an empty beautiful shell that all the other guys want.  

It makes me angry that som women think that feminism is all about being a woman that doesn't conform.  Feminism is about equality.  It means that you can make a choice to have a career, have a family (both at the same time even), look as good as you want without being called out for trying to be a kiss-ass.  Whats wrong with wanting to look sexy at work?  You can look appropriate for a corporate job and still feel like a woman, still feel great about yourself and that you can rock the boardroom and a great outfit.  Looking sexy isn't always about the men and trying to make men want you.  Feminism is about wearing a great outfit because it makes you feel amazing, because it gives you self-confidence.  

Now for the men.
While out for drinks a topic of conversation came up about religion and the men referred to God as a male (as most people do)  and a girl friend and I both brought up the question "What makes you think God isn't a woman?"  Their arguments were weak and ever so chauvinistic.  God can't be a woman because a woman wouldn't have created scary animals, wouldn't have created disaster, wouldn't have created heartache... and so on.  It just made me angry that men think so highly of themselves.  I'm a bit of a feminist - just to the extent that I think women should be considered equal to men - and so it makes me angry that some men are still so chauvinistic to think that women belong in the ktichen, in the house, raising the family while the men are the geniuses, the breadwinners, the thinkers.   This certain friend also happened to mention the fact that men can't trust a woman's thoughts on another woman's appearance because women have low standards.  What a jerk.  I'm no prude, I can appreciate another woman's beauty, but to say that what I think is beautiful is likely to be ugly in a mans perspective is absolutely horrible.  If anything like that is remotely true it is only because women understand what really constitutes beauty.  I wanted to scream at him.  I wanted to yell that it was because of him that women like myself (and so many others) have a low self-image, esteem and confidence.  Women on average understand what beauty is, so really is it that we have a low standard or that we are accepting of different types of beauty?  It is men's ridiculously high standards that are the problem.  Men should not be asking each other how a woman looks, they will only get a skewed result based upon an unnaturally high and unfair bar set by men based on the appearances of supermodels and actresses who make up the smallest percentage of women.

Holy rusted metal Batman, it's been 4 weeks?  See I'm really bad at this.  That's why I don't want to waste a perfectly great journal Mike gave me as a diary, because I'd never write in it. 

So what's happened over the past 4 weeks.  Hockey - my life, my religion - has now ended.  The Pens started the final series on a pretty bad note, losing the first 2 games to Detroit, fighting back to win game 3, lost game 4 and then fought again really hard through a triple overtime to win game 5!   Finishing a third overtime would have been the equivalent of 2 regular games, but they got the winning goal ten minutes into the third OT.  So they were 10 minutes short of two games.  It's amazing anyone had that much energy by the end but both teams were absolutely amazing.  To my slight disappointment the Pens lost in game 6 and Detroit took home the Cup but I believe that they were completely deserving.  This year they had it all.  

In a shocking turn of events however, The CBC and composer of the Hockey Night in Canada theme we all know so well have broken off negotiations of relicensing.  The licence for the theme expired as of the end of this 07/08 season (this past Wednesday)  and the composer has ended any deal negotiations.  CBC is reported to be setting up a national contest to find the new theme for HNIC.  *tear*  It just won't be the same without it.  I am shocked and - though it is such a trivial matter in a way - devastated.
Edit: TSN is now the proud owner of The Hockey Song - previously known by most as the Hockey Night In Canada theme.  They bought the rights for the song flat out from the composer (meaning they own it, they aren't paying royalities).  The CBC held their contest to find the new theme for HNIC and after the voting closed the winner was decided - "Canadian Gold" by Colin Oberst.  Here's the link to CBC's completed HNIC opening.  This song definitely does not get me pumped up for a hockey game... its pretty weak in my opinion.

I was also devastated and shocked to hear that a dear friend of our family, my old next door neighbour had passed away on Monday evening in the Hospital.  After being diagnosed with lung cancer only six short weeks ago, Elaine Black has left us at the young age of 60.  Elaine, I'm glad I got to see you in February, I wish we had made more of an effort to keep in touch since we moved those ten or so years ago.  To Elaine's children (though grown) Martha, Jimmy and Monica, I feel so incredibly sorry they have to deal with the loss of their mother.  I know I wouldn't know what to do with myself without my own mum, I rely on her for so much.  I hope my old friends can find their way through this tough time.  And their father, Jim.   I hope he finds a way through this as well.  To lose a life partner, can only be as devastating as losing a parent.  My heart goes out to them all.  I barely remember Mrs. Black... I was only 8 when I moved... but I know she and her family were amazing.   The funeral was very difficult.  To see the kids just bawling over the loss of their mother, I just felt so badly.  I didn't even know what to say when I saw Martha, I just gave her a hug and said I was sorry... You could tell how lovely a woman she was by the amount of people - and the disposition of the people - that attended the funeral.  Mrs. Black was one of a kind, a great woman and I'll never forget her - or at least the few things I do remember from my childhood I won't forget.

Now that I've gone and made myself cry again I'm going to pack it in.  I've got to get up early as we're heading to the cottage tomorrow :D

why is finding a job so hard for me?

Like really??  Are there some gods up there that just don't want me to work, or to find an actual job that will get me somewhere in life?  Am I going to be stuck in the depths of low-level retail for the rest of my student career??  Will I never find a job that will be anywhere close to my field of study or my interests?  I hate retail.  Scanning items though a laser and smiling all day through people's complaints is not my idea of a great job, nor a career.  It may be exactly what some people find fulfilling, or at least great enough to make a living for themselves, but I want a corporate career.  If I'm going to be selling something I want to be selling something big, like a product to a new department store, working as a marketing manager.  Selling an idea to a project team.  Even just being a receptionist would work fine for me.  Breaking into the business world is tough, and I get it, but when you can't even get a job because no one wants you for only 4 months... I just don't know where to look anymore.  I'm just about ready to give up and hand in my application to Costco.  Stupid ugly red vests... It will be 3 months of hell, but at least it will be over with after that.  Fuck.

Am I a pushover?  

I don't understand my best friend at all.  She texts me at 11:15 one night asking me to come over, she needed me.  So I go over and I sit OUTSIDE with her on her front walkway - mind you this is a night when it was about 6 degrees outside, kinda chilly - I sit there with her for about half an hour to forty five minutes, at least it seemed that way while she cried about how things with her and her boyfriend aren't working out.  He's always with his friends and though she understands a guy needs his guy time, she wants some time alone with him too, and she wants to take a break cuz clearly he doesn't get that.  She cries and i comfort her and tell her it's not what she really wants, shes just upset and stressed.  And eventually they end up working it out over text message all the while I'm sitting there.  A good friend I'd say.

Then she goes and pulls that shit tonight.  Honestly I don't know what was going through her head tonight.  fucking well demanding all night long.  I want this, I want that.  "Do we have to stay and watch hockey?  I'm so sick of hockey."  I had already said that I wasn't going out unless the Pittsburgh/Ottawa game was on, it was a chance for the Pens to sweep (which they did!! :D) and I wanted to watch it.  Eight freakin minutes left and she was whining about how she was so sick of hockey.  Eff you shouldn't have brought meout then because you know I always watch games to the end.  We get back to Mike's and shes totally demanding.  The music in the car had to be her choice or she complained about it.  What we watched had to be her choice.  We were watching Juno but it was skipping a lot and she complained - having never seen it before, its understandable - and asked mike to go get his version.  He couldn't find it and she was frustrated.  He offered the idea of a different movie, she said no to the options.  

He turned on the tv and put it on the Business New Network as a joke because andrew is in accounting, she complained.  But never did she get up to change it to something she wanted to watch, no she just complained and asked everyone else to change it.  Andrew showed her something on youtube and that kept her occupied but I couldn't see it so I turned on the Jays game to find out the score, and it was tied 5-5 in the bottom of the 11th (read: 2 extra innings).  I changed it after the Jays struck out, to some Friends.  Commercials came on and so knowing that she hates commercials, I changed it, I switched back to see if the game had finished yet.  "Ugh we already had to watch your stupid hockey to we have to watch your stupid baseball too?"  FUCK.  get up and fucking change the channel yourself!!  I told her she hadn't shown any interest in anything we had watched or offered to watch yet so what did she want me to do I decided to change it.  She goes "well I was watching Friends"  I said it was on commercial!  "so?"  so you hate commercials!!!!!!!!!!!!  "I'd rather watch commercials than baseball."  Fuck, right then I looked at mike and said can I just go home?  and so our night ended, very early, at about 11:15.  I am a great friend to her and not 3 days later shes being an ungrateful, whiney bitch.

After all of that it's a little hard to be happy that Sidney Crosby, Jordan Staal and the Pens are moving on to Round 2 of the playoffs!!!!  A little hard, but not that hard, After writing this and getting it out it should be better.

I can't do it anymore.

I have no drive.  No motivation to finish these essays.  

I have to hand them in tomorrow... today... one is ok, I can write it, I just don't like writing, but one is just *sigh* it's completely horrible and I don't know what I'm writing about, and I'm sure that if I pass It'll be with about a C.  

Just keep thinking, after 10pm tomorrow essays are gone for the summer.  And playoffs start on Wednesday, so thats something to look forward to.  And I can go home on Friday after my exam!  another good thing to look forward to.  A week at home by myself during the day!!  I need to remember to get up so that I can enjoy it.

I feel empty.  I feel like I need to cry just so I can feel something and get some emotion back.  So that I care about school again.   I need to care about school, I can't waste away my parents money, they are working so hard to do this for me so I can have a good future, and here I am pissing it away, procrastinating and not caring whether I fail or not.  that's not true, it's not that I don't care, I do care whether I fail or not, I just takes a few hours before somthing is due for me to realize it.  How sad is that, my brain works in a very funny way.  ok something to make me cry... I don't have any sad movies, besides that would take up too much precious time... the end of "The Gift" episode of Buffy maybe? that always gets me... but I'd have to find it on youtube because the last 10 minutes video that I usually watch has disappeared.  Maybe if I try listening to that song by Tim McGraw about his little girl... that makes me miss my daddy... thats it, I'll try that.   

ok, I'll try that and try some more writing before I hit the sack.

geez louise, sometimes I actually think about this.  If I were independently wealthy I have a list of places I would love to live.  One is in the heart of Toronto. I'd love to get myself a nice condo down by the lake, a short walk to the ACC, the SkyDome and tonnes of great restaurants.  I'd buy myself seasons tickets to the Leafs and be there every night, I'd go to Jays games during the summer, go to TIFF in the fall, but of course I'd be spending a lot of my time working for one of the big corporations down there - maybe I'd get a job with Rogers telecommunications... or a broadcasting company.  As much as I love travelling, TO would always be home, I couldn't leave my beloved teams behind.

Another place I would think of living in would be NYC, just for the hustle and bustle and the novelty of saying I live in the city that never sleeps.  I'd love to live it up like the ladies of Sex and the City - work during the day, hit up the nightlife scouting for boys at night.  No matter what time of night I'd always be able to find something I craved - chinese, pizza, chocolate - anything (except Timmy's, I crave Tim's a lot).  I'd want to work for some big corporation with lots of connections - and I could always go see my Leafs when they played the Rangers at MSG. 
I'd want parties, galas, glitz and glam, and fabulous shopping too.

Last but not least, I think I'd love to live somewhere in Italy.  Venice is my dream, it's just so beautiful there, but Rome would be great, maybe Milan, I don't know I just love Italy.  I got to spend a day in Venice and it wasn't enough to see the whole thing. I loved the little alleys and driving around in a boat is so great.  That's where I think I'd go if I never had to work again, I'd live there and spend my time reading in some piazzas and sitting in quaint coffee shops, shopping the little stores and just enjoying life.  

I'm all about the big city aren't I? 

How is it that a song can so completely describe your feelings for something when you didn't write the song?  How is it that someone is feeling the exact same thing as me ?  There's this Natasha Bedingfield song that I found out about today from a friend of mine, and usually I'm not a Natasha Bedingfield fan, but this song is just so.... me.  It's called Soulmate.  It's fantastic.  "There's enough for everyone / But I'm still waiting in line"  oh man.  Sometimes I feel like people can read my mind, or that I'm just that obvious... I hope not.

 Why is it that I can put on such a facade about me not needing a man - which I don't - but then I think about things, and really, I'm just a hopeless romantic who just wants to be loved.  It's so weird, I've made it 20 years without a boyfriend, and I haven't ever felt the need for one, but then I get to these little points in time where I just feel kinda alone.  

And how is it that you can lust after someone you've never met and only ever seen on your tv (or computer) screen?  I mean he's a real person, but god knows I'll never meet him.  But he just seems like the perfect man.  That's another weird thing... is that creepy?  That I think about a guy constantly that I've never met and probably won't ever meet?  Yeah, I'm starting to think it's creepy.  

*sigh*

Leafs playoffs chances are slim-to-none as we're still 6 points out of the 8th spot and there's only 12 or 13 games left.  But of course in winning those few games that we did to get us 6 points out of the playoffs, we've also lost any good chances of getting a good draft pick first round this summer, so we're in that "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.  We're screwed either way.  Detroit is my playoff team when the Leafs don't make it, but Pittsburgh is looking pretty good right now too.  And Sid is back and playing and scored a goal today!!  His first since getting back from his injury (that forced him to miss a whole quarter of the season)!  Still sad that they got rid of Army and Crush though, especially since I can't get any Atlanta games up here in Waterloo.  Anyway, I'm looking forward to playoffs either way.

Have I ever mentioned school sucks?  Oh I did? Well it still does.  I got raped by my research methods midterm on Thursday.  It sucked.  Hopefully the final won't be as bad and I can get that mark up to a pass.  Or he can bell-curve the midterm, that would be sweet.  Hopefully both happen...

 Trade Deadline day = sad

Colby Armstrong is leaving the Penguins, with Eric Christensen to go to the Atlanta Thrashers, because Pittsburgh wanted Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis.  It's Marian freakin' Hossa - teamed with Sidney Crosby = amazing line, but Sid just lost his road roomie.  *tear

Leafs lost 3 players for 4 draft picks - Hall Gill is also going to the Penguins for a 2008 2nd round pick and a 2009 5th round pick, Chad Kilger is going to Florida for a 2008 3rd round pick, and Wade Belak is going to Florida for a 2009 3rd round pick.   oi vay

Montreal gave up Cristobal Huet - their number one goalie - has a top 5 save percentage in the league - for I don't even know what, I think a draft pic

*sigh* this is going to be an interesting end to the season....

Can anyone say best reading week ever?

I sure can.  Holy crap I honestly just had an amazing week, and now I'm back at school back to work and back to being stressed and overly angry at my own work ethic. So Friday on my way home my mom takes me and my roommate to see my sister and the school band play at the OBA festival at Le Parc.  I miss Wind Symphony and they were so great playing Vesuvius. They have 160 people in the band!! it was awesome.  So then Sunday I went shopping with Meg and Mel at Fairview Mall, spent $80 on a nice coat at AE and $80 on natural makeup - which I am now regretting... I could have done without the stuff thats for sure.  Especially since my funds are starting to drop pretty quickly.  Anyway so after getting back late from the mall I shoved dinner down my throat in about 2 minutes and changed to go see my sister play with the TYWO Symphonic Winds band in a TYWO gala thingy.  TYWO, TYSW, TYCW all played some music and it was a great night with a silent auction, and some gambling tables to go along with the Las Vegas theme of the night, it was pretty sweet.  After the concert, I was off to Megan's to have an old-school sleepover with her and Mel - food, magazines, movies, gossip, Guitar Hero (ok so thats not so old-school) and very little sleep.  

So after Sunday the week was pretty quiet until Wednesday night when I went to see Dirty Dancing!!!  The show was awesome, the seats not so much, I was sitting in the 1st balcony with my mom, which I don't mnind, it's just that there was absolutely no leg room! My mom had to position her legs so that her knees were in the little space between the tops of the seatsin front of her... it was pretty bad, luckily I'm short enough that I didn't need to sit like that.  So I thought my week was pretty much over until my dad called me at like 3 and asked me if I wanted to go to the Leaf game that he and my mom were going to!! I was like "uh, YA"  so I got to go to the Leaf game.  Front Row tickets!!!!  I sat just to the right of the Leafs net!!  and I went to the Platinum club and stuff, oh man it was so fun even though we lost.

And then Saturday I went bar hopping in Markham with a few friends, so everything worked out really well.  I had a great time.  So much fun.  Anyway so thats why I had a very busy week but a freakin great week all the same.

I'm a Leafs fan, no ifs ands or buts.  It pains me to see Sundin having to defend the team after last nights disappointing loss.  I wouldn't even call it defending because he was saying that they should all feel ashamed of themselves and the game that they put on for us.  But I have something to say to Sundin and all the other Leafs who feel bad for what they gave us last night.  

We're not going anywhere.  Leafs Nation has been around for years upon years, since the original six.  Sure those games where we lose 8-0 are hard to swallow, but we're still here.  Us Leafs fans are pretty loyal and determined.  We're still behind you, no matter what.  Yeah you lose, yeah we're disappointed, yeah we know you haven't won the cup in 40 years, yeah we know it might still be another 40!!  But we're still here!  We're still buying tickets, we're still going to games, we're still watching them on tv.  We still show up in our jerseys, we still show up in our face paint, we still show up in our crazy wigs, with our flags, and our banners, and our signs!   Yeah we bitch, and moan, and complain but we're still here behind you. Because at the end of the day most of us would rather have you here and losing, than not here at all.  

<3



I just wrote that like anyone was actually going to read it.  Oh well, I'll just pretend... :)

Sometimes it's hard to open up, and so a person can get so bogged down with all the things floating around in their head that everything seems confusing. I've been feeling like that lately. But it's just so nice to be able to open up and talk because you trust the person you are talking to. My roommate and I are becoming pretty good friends really fast, we're trusting each other enough to tell each other about our pasts and all the drama we've all been through. And just to have the 2 of them there that I know I can talk to, makes me think that University is going to keep getting easier. When I'm not around my best friends at home, I used to not really have anything to let it all out with. I didn't really trust anyone enough to tell them my life story. But these girls are really great, and I'm so happy I have them around. I just had a really good talk about past drama and shit with my roommate Lynz, and Stef is just as great. Nothing will ever replace my Meg Mike Mel or Ally at home, but for school, these girls are it. Last year I could do this with Beth, but we've become pretty distanced since we aren't living together. That was a piece of drama in itself which both L and S know about. But one thing I love is having a good talk before bedtime and relieving some stresses the mind was under, it helps me sleep easier.

It`s also a great procrastination tool, as well as blogthings.com. Oh my dear how blogthings has taken over my life once again. Here`s another quiz that I think describes me pretty well.

You Are An ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. In love, you are loyal and honest. If you commit yourself to someone, then you're fully committed. For you, love is something that happens naturally. And you don't need romantic gestures to feel loved. At work, you remember details well and are happy to take on any responsibility. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer. How you see yourself: Decisive, stable, and dependable When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, conservative, and egotistical

I can't even believe how stupid my internet is.  My apartment's wireless is set up in the middle bedroom, but in between my room and that room is the phone and tv.  Today I can't even get internet in my room.  I stand outside the room that has the router in it to connect, which it does, and then I take my computer back to my room, and goodbye internet connection!  It's ridiculous.  So now I'm sitting here in my living room doing homework (clearly procrastinating at the moment) while all my stuff sits in my room.  I fel bad taking over a couch to do my homework on when I have a perfectly good bed and desk in my rom to work on.  Oh well, so goes my shitty internet situation... the saga continues. 

 

Your Birthdate: January 4

You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined. Your sincerely and honesty shine through in almost every situation. Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you. You're level headed and rational. People count on your to look at things objectively. Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness Your power color: Navy blue Your power symbol: Shield Your power month: April

OMG.  That year is over, and boy am I glad.  It's time for another new start.  I think 2008 is going to be a great year, I'm making new friends, getting old friends back, getting halfway through university.  There's just so much that has yet to happen.  

My grades for last semester were really good and I wasn't expecting it.  I always sell myself short, and this time I definitely shouldn't have.  

The writer's strike is still on and it kind of ticks me off that the networks just won't give the writers their damn money.  They make way more money than they'd be giving to the writers, so why is it such a big deal?  Besides, what am I supposed to procrastinate with if I don't have good tv to watch.  Although I have started watching some Canadian programming and have gotten into it.  Now I'm a hockey fan, so it's nice that I have a chance to watch the games now that I'm not worried about missing my regualr programmed shows, but there's also a new show on CBC called "MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives" and it's not that bad.  And I'm watching a lot more Degrassi now, I forgot how much I loved that show.  What else am I watching now... muchmusic... I watch Much like my life depends on it.  Sure I have more time for reading but where's the fun in that?

I'm kind of worried about my classes this semester... most of them seem pretty hard and last semester wasn't that hard, so now I really have to get used to getting back to the grind and actually doing homework and stuff... speaking of which, that's probably what I should be doing right now.

I'd also like to say I have rediscovered the joy that is Rainbow Chocolate Chip cookies.  Mr. Christie, you really do make good cookies!!

note to self: check   spreadthenet.org - from the Rick Mercer Report

 how can it be that no matter how hard I try, I'm always the best friend who's there for everyone, but is always somehow left behind?  I spent half my night comforting one of my roommates, and I don't give a crap cuz I like being there for people, but then, when the fight subsided and the girls forgave each other, I was pushed aside, was forgotten about.  None of my friends from last year came to the pre-drink party, they all had better things to do, and even though I want to be good friends with my roommates really badly, it just doesn't happen.  I was left dancing with my roommates friends who aren't bad, but they just aren't my friends, it's awkward and weird and just not cool.  I wanted to cry.  Why is university just not turning into the experience I was hoping it would be...

 Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?  I know it sounds silly, because everyone belongs somewhere.  Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm invisible.  I love my home, and my friends at home, but I feel like I shouldn't be there anymore, like when I leave for university, I shouldn't be going home.  But I feel like I don't have any real friends here, so I don't belong either.  I had friends last year, but we're not great friends... I was always the outsider, and still am.  

I drink socially, but I don't drink to get drunk, so I don't fit in with my rommates and most of my friends from last year.  But I'm also not completely unique and crazy, so I don't even really fit in with the 2 people that I considered my best friends last year.  I was kind of dumped last year by my friends, so now I'm starting a whole new experience living with 4 girls that I barely know; I'm basically starting from scratch.   As for tonight, I'm sitting in my living room watching tv because I don't feel like going to out to a bar to get hammered.  Andmy other friends?  I have no idea what they're doing, because whatever it is, I wasn't thought of.  

But I guess I'm complaining too much.  I'm sure there are people out there who have a worse situation than I do.  I have a bunch of half friends, that's better than no friends right? 

YAY!!!  Homecoming is this weekend and eents run all day tomorrow, football game kick-off is at 1!!   soooooo excited.  I'm gonna get all decked out in my purple and gold, and cheer on those Hawks!   

The sudden influx of school spirit is alarming.  In high school, I was never much for school colours and cheering my ass off.  I guess thats what university can do to you... get you to step outside your comfort zone and see what its like on the other side.  That's what O-week was for I guess wasn't it?  In your first week of university, show you the ways of the other students so you know and understand what goes on, and you can get in on it right from the beginning.

Anyway, hoping for another Vanier Cup run this year, hopefully it'll be all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Britney:  What happened?!?!   

The reigning "pop princess" has fallen so far she can't even make it back up again.   The MTV VMA's were supposed to be a stepping stool to get her career back on track, much like they were supposed to be a starting point for K-Fed's "musical" career - if that word could even be used.  No one expected K-Fed to actully come up with something good, everyone knew it would be bad.  Many people - myself included - were wondering where Brit's sanity had disappeared to when she decided to marry this guy and then proceed to try to jetison his career for him.  I had a firm belief that she could make it back once she dumped the loser that is Kevin Federline.  So I was hoping, now that the marriage was over, that Brit would see the light once again and revert back to her pop princess ways. But Sunday's VMA's turned out to be completely the opposite.  Her opening performance for the VMA'a proved to me, and the world, that after her horrendous decision to marry that loser AND have his children, she is just too far gone.  Her sanity is officially not coming back.  While I enjoy the song itself and think that it could have possibly brought her slowly back to the position she once held, the performance lost all of the song's credibility.  Britney was bored.  She didn't show any of the life and love for music and performing she once held in similar performances.  Her dancing was far below anything anyone would have expected.  The pole dancers on stage with her were dancing better than she was.  Her lip sync-ing was horrendous - she wasn't even trying.  And did you see the look on Rihanna's face?  and Diddy's?   priceless.  completely dumbstruck.  I long for the days of "Slave 4 U" when she danced well with a freakin python around her neck.  That was cool.   She's definitely washed up.